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[
6. 2. 06 // @ 10:09pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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oh. guess who is SO working on making her custom mood theme.
yeah, that's right.
ME.
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| sunburn.. |
[
5. 30. 06 // @ 1:32pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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awoooooooOOOOOOOO my shoulders.
..this is what i get for exposing skin in broad daylight. sigh.
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[
5. 20. 06 // @ 9:46pm] |
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so my mother and i got into a discussion as i was loading the dishwasher. we spoke about my adoption and such. i asked my mother, after a few other things, if my birth mother was pretty. she said that yes, tara was pretty. then i asked if she had ever seen her in person. mom said no, but tara did send a picture after a while, a picture of her when she was fourteen years old. i asked for the picture.
so my mother and i ended up spending an hour digging up old adoption records and letters from the brief two years of correspondence between mom and tara. wow, that's strange. technically, well i don't know if it's at all technical, they're both my mother. i mean, i did live inside of tara's uterus for nine months, and i did come out of her.. uterus. ahem. but alice [my mommy] has raised me ever since then. so i consider alice my real mother.
after all, it really does depend on your definition of "mother". does mother mean the woman who carried you for the first months of your life, or the woman who raised you from infancy until the present?
it's a confusing issue. but yeah. i could never call tara "mommy". never.
so now i have a picture of my birth mother, tara cheree burch. it's amazing how much you can learn in a matter of sixty short minutes.
ah yes, and when i was a bit younger, i was under the impression that tara was one of those ignorant young highschool girls who got pregnant from a convenient fuck and let her parents and their attorneys deal with where the child was supposed to go after birth.
but as it turns out, that wasn't the case.
i read the adoption candidacy forms that she filled out, and after reading all of this information about how her parents were of native american and german and irish heritage and her partner in my creation was dutch and fair skinned and how her seven brothers enjoyed working with motorcycles and cars and, her sister, needlepoint and painting, i read the bottom of the last page. paraphrased, it said just this-
reasons for putting child up for adoption:
i am only sixteen years old.
i don't know how to properly care for a child.
i want this nice couple to have a child to love and call their own.
i love her very much and want what's best for her, and this couple will definitely give her a good home.
pardon the shit quality, but my camera is.. shit.
just.. realize that this has touched me to an indescribable degree.
can you do that?
well that's why i'm sharing.
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| i am a visitor here; i am not permanent. |
[
5. 13. 06 // @ 5:59pm] |
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i haven't been doing much lately, which is okay because.. well, i haven't been getting into trouble. i guess. yeah.. except for finding a grand total of 9 ticks on connie and myself [6 on me, 3 on connie] which was really, really upsetting.
i hope for no more encounters with icky parasites. but will my hope be deigned by the powers that be? will there truly be no more assault by the ticks? jesus, i hope not.
so yeah. i have nothing to do.. for now. tomorrow is mothers day.. i made my mommy a cute little card. material things mean so much less than the thought and emotion put into a holiday card made from scratch.
haha, bullshit. i'm just broke.
Smeared black ink.
Your palms are sweaty,
and I'm barely listening
to last demands.
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
"What's buried underneath where I am?"
(Where I am)
I'll wear my badge:
a vinyl sticker with big block letters
adhered to my chest.
It tells your new friends
"I am a visitor here... I am not permanent."
And the only thing keeping me dry is...
You seem so out of context,
in this gaudy apartment complex.
A stranger with your door key,
explaining that I'm just visiting.
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
(I was the one worth leaving)
D.C. sleeps alone tonight.
(Where I am)
You seem so out of context
in this gaudy apartment complex.
(Where I am)
A stranger with your door key
explaining that I'm just visiting.
(Where I am)
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
(I was the one worth leaving)
(Where I am)
The District sleeps alone tonight
after the bars turn out their lights.
(Where I am)
And send the autos swerving
into the loneliest evening.
(Where I am)
And I am finally seeing
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
why I was the one worth leaving.
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[
4. 30. 06 // @ 6:19pm] |
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mood |
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 terrified! |
] |
IT'S JUST A BUNNY
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| the slickest chick around. |
[
4. 25. 06 // @ 4:47pm] |
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mood |
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 look, it's an angel kitty!! |
] |
so today after school me and andy and brownie were making happy little flower.. things.. on top of the sign in front of school.
all was going quite well.
err, the wind was being mean though.
things fell down a lot.
..haha, i just noticed how truly ironic that is. but anyway.
i was all standing on the ledge of the sign making pretty flower creations.
but then.
i don't know what i was trying to do or where i intended to go, but i suddenly stepped backward. BAD IDEAR.
so i kinda slipped on something, iunno what the hell it was, and like fell backward in slow motion.
it got really fucking quiet.. and then andy was like "ohman are you okay here, do you need a hand" but i was being all defiant and proud and was like "psh, i'm self-sufficient, i don't need any help" and i stood up..
and everyone was looking at me..
and then jorje [haha iunno how to spell his name, oops] was like "..wow."
dude, it was so embarassing, even for me.
apparently it even looked planned..?
BUT IT WASN'T and man, i'm so lucky i didn't crack my head open.
whew.
but seriously, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK????
i'm a klutz.. :/
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[
4. 10. 06 // @ 12:30pm] |
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mood |
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 FUCKIN BORED. |
] |
it's spring break. yessss.
started it off with a bang on friday-
didn't go to the variety show.
didn't go shopping with krupa.
only got to see connie for 1 hour.
didn't get to hang out with anyone.
saturday was betterish-
slept until 8:30.
sat classes.
stood out in the hail for about half an hour waiting for kt. [turns out she went behind the school, i remember seeing her car, and eventually realized that i wasn't there, then she came around the driveway thing.]
went to kfc.
nobody was there, so we called connie and co.
turns out melissa's mom was driving them to her house.
they came back, kt and i followed them to melissa's house.
we ate soy products at melissa's, watched tv, etc.
her mom made us hot chocolate. <3333
i went with kt to pick up mike.
back to lp.
us three bothered connie for a while.
went back to kt's house.
watched some clone high.
went to the mall.
left the mall.
i got dropped off at connie's.
stayed until about 11.
went home.
read until the wee hours of the morning.
slept.
sunday [sucked]-
slept until 10:30.
took a soapless and shampooless shower.
walked down to see a lady about babysitting her son.
walked home.
checked myspace, lj, ag, ar.
went to sleep.
woke up at 5:30.
ate dinner.
watched high fidelity for the buhmillionth time.
monday so far-
woke up around 12 [half an hour ago].
went straight onto the computer.
and that brings me up to the present. fucker, i'm soooo bored. nothing to do today since my parents are both at work and i have no ride anywhere and i have to go see dr. s tonight at like 6:30.
save meeee from the boredommmmmmmmm. -dies-
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| you make me nervous, nervous, nervous! |
[
4. 7. 06 // @ 9:30pm] |
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mood |
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indifferent |
] |
hella hella hella nervous, nervous, nervous!
i'm just kind of bored. i don't want to go to SAT classes tomorrow morning.. but jackie said they went OUTSIDE last time and i'm jealous because tomorrow's just taking our last practice test. >:[
i always miss all the good stuff. :'[
ps- i love gravy train now. yes, i really do. yessssssss.
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| the fountain of youth - rosalind roth; 3/30/06. |
[
4. 1. 06 // @ 4:05pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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heinous amounts of mosquitoes riddle the air.
{for the spring-time, at least}
from down near the car, the view isn't much.
{did i really expect more?}
the larger beast and i are out on a walk.
he runs me in through branches of thorns and thinks nothing of them, even when they catch his little wet nose if he gets too close.
i think he rolls around in the dirt just to spite me.
it's hard for him to win any freedom when i'm trailing him with his leash slung snug around my wrist.
i realize with sufficient sadness, this is the decline of the great beast.
feral no more, unwanted change has lost him his old life.
progress for us meant heartbreaking sacrifice for the beast.
it is terribly upsetting to see him bound in his whimsical purple harness and stumbling around the should-be-navigable new territory.
the beast attempts in vain to weave through crevices and catacombs in rock.
a dejected "miao" is given when he realizes that there is no other way out.
i reassure him that it's okay, things happen that way sometimes.
he stops. i don't realize until minutes pass.
a like enemy has been spotted in the distance.
they face off, but nothing else transpires.
i feel so wrong for it, but i know that if my beast were to leap out at the other, i would hold him back like some kind of overprotective mother preventing her child from conflict that is undeniably real.
feeling however a beast feels when chained, unable to fairly face an enemy, my beast retreats.
he almost gets stuck in the rocks again.
i fish his leash out of the other side- i notice that this time, there was another way out.
finally, my beast ascends a mossy boulder, stretches his paws languidly, and yawns.
he looks at me. i can see that he is happy, despite what we have done to him, despite what i have prevented him from doing.
the old, graying, dust-covered, thorn-scathed, marred old beast looks- in that one moment- eternally young.
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[
3. 23. 06 // @ 7:20pm] |
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mood |
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dancey! |
] |
bjork's cover of 99 red balloons sounds really.. childish.
which is awesome!! i'm dancing to it right now. mmmmhmm.
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| hmm. |
[
3. 22. 06 // @ 9:52pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
HMMMmm. this showering thing is nice. maybe i'll do it more often.
i just have to remember to dry my hair before i go to bed, or else it'll turn out like it did today. which was gross. hahaha.
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[
3. 16. 06 // @ 4:11pm] |
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MOOD: APATHETIC
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| my pathetic afternoon. |
[
3. 14. 06 // @ 4:02pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
ugghhh. i came home at like.. 2:40-ish.. and i didn't have my house key. so i hoped like crazy that my parents left the basement door open, which they normally do. i was all walking up the hill and the wind was threatening to knock me the hell over, and then i reached the house and opened the garage.
and i still hoped beyond all hope that the door was open.
it wasn't.
so i went around back and try to get in through the porch door, which kind of sucks. i managed to kick open the screen door and actually break it, because it's locked normally, and now the lock is all lopsided because IT GOT PWNED BY MY 2-INCH PLATFORM FUCKING COMBAT BOOTS.
then i kind of stared at the large wooden rod holding the door closed and thought of how to open it. i couldn't think of anything. so i sat outside and texted for a little while before deciding to sit on my stoop and be dumb.
it was freezing cold because of the wind. it would be a nice day if the wind wasn't so strong or frequent.
after about an hour or so, i decided to go into the garage and, yes, lay down on the floor to take a nap. and then i decided to try to open the door.
i kicked it.
it opened.
i cursed myself like a billion times, then decided to go fix that door because i fucked up the thing that retracts into the door when you turn the knob.
and i think it's permanently broken.
oh shit, i should check out the kitchen screen door thing.. but i'm too lazy.
damn, today sucked, much like the previous few days of mine.
BLAH.
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| really long entry;; yesterday's haps. |
[
3. 9. 06 // @ 3:20pm] |
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mood |
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?? |
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well, since neither of the parental units is present, i'll get on the computer and be dumb. eheh.
last night kicked sooooo much ass. i only remember that grampa picked me up from school, krupa and mike a. and clark were dropped off at hills, we went to pick up carmine, then we went back to the school to retrieve constance and mike d., uhh.. hold on. blanking out.
...uhhh.. still nothing..
oh yeah. then we [i, heh.] decided to go to my house, so we went. there was much eating of citrus sours altoids on the way over [the tin of which is sitting right next to me because, apparently, it was forgotten], and when we got there [here], uhh.. ah yes. we played with teh kitties, watched stuff on my computer, got into little minifights upstairs and stuff.. mike was sticking my lint roller to the ceiling, and connie and i were trying to get it down, but we couldn't, and mike kept roughing us up, and it was entirely pathetic. connie, i'm sorry i sat so hard on your crotchal area. :'[ then people played with q-tips, the intercom was raped brutally to the point of squealing very loudly, and then we went on a nature walk. that. was. so. fun.
nature walk: first we decided, well, some of us at least, to try to scale the retaining wall [possibly around 10+ feet?] behind my house. it didn't work. then everyone played in the icy snow. i envied them that they could slide about when i sunk. GRR.
OH SHIT, i'm still writing this. anyway. uhh.. oh yeah. we ran over to the place where it's easiest to get over the fence, and mike was being a silly and had already gotten over, but either way, we all got over and it was cool. mike was being all antisocial when we went up the hill, but constance and carmine and grampa and i went to the right. the dead truck was found and carmine was in awe. then we went up the hill. mike scaled the rocks. carmine kept finding tires..? and rolled them down the hill. grampa found a BIG stick and used it to walk easy. it failed him and he almost died. :'[. then i found some handlebars that fell off of an atv that died going down the hill, and its remains were scattered about everywhere. carmine and i raced tires. mine was speedy and connie wanted carmine to name his gonzales, but he named it mike "just out of spite".
i think speedy won.
then we proceeded up the hill. carmine was smashing bottles and then the boys went to hang out like manly men on a really big rock. i think grampa's stick was gone. obviously mike met up with them from the other side. connie and i climbed into some kind of bird's nest [in piratey terms, arr..] and sat thurr. mike whined and wanted to come up, and grampa tried using the rope, but it didn't work and he went away to the rock. i got down so mike could get up, but he went away too, and then connie got down, and then mike wanted to go up, so he tried but got all stuck and me and connie laughed at him. eheheh.
then we ALL smashed bottles and got caught in thorns [there are a fuckload of thorns up thurr, lemme tell you.] and then we went hopping down the other side of the hill to the playground thing. mike and connie went one way, me and grampa and carmine went the other. then mike and connie got to the bottom and ran off somewhere, and then grampa got to the bottom next and ran off with them, and then me and carmine got to the bottom and i tried to hop over a fence, but it turned out i didn't need to and carmine went around it and no jumping for him. i did it with grace, anyway. blergh. so it turned out that connie and grampa and mike were all hanging out atop a wwii memorial tank and carmine and i joined them and it was loads of fun.
we jumped over the fence [some of us] and it was cool. i don't remember how grampa and connie got out of the memorial, but i know carmine kind of hopped the fence, i stood on a rock and stepped onto the fence and onto the ground, and mike hopped off of the rock and over the fence and onto the ground. i think i mentally applauded if not physically. then we went trekking back to my house. and this is where my night fell apart.
i had to go to dr. s at 6, but i decided FOOLISHLY that i didn't want to. connie and mike took a short shortcut, but me and grampa and carmine took the road to 10, but i decided that we'd go through the woods, which smelled horribly skunky and NOT of pot, thankayou. there was barbed wire and a fallen tree that was wedged between two other trees. the guys were like "that would be cool to knock down" and i was like "it will surely tumble beneath my immense weight" and before they knew it, i was all climbing on it. then i deemed it a bad idea and jumped down, and then we went through the woods and came out at the first house in the forges.
we walked back to my house to find the bathroom light in my parents room on and mike and connie in the car. they got back a while before. oops. so i got scared that my parents were home and we drove off into the wild blue yonder. then i called my mom, because i didn't want her to like drive to dr. s's and have me not there, because that would suck for her, and she got mad at me and yelled and called me irresponsible and demanded that i go back home. that ruined everything for me.
so grampa turned around and dropped me home. i hugged everyone and mike attempted to make me all screamy every time, and when i went to hug grampa, mike poked me sooooo bad that i smashed my head against the seatbelt/door and it hurt. a lot. then i went inside and connie did too because she left her purse, and they left and almost backed into my dad's car because he was just coming home, and then i cleaned the floor because i got dirt all over it and stuff.
then i think everyone went and ate mexicanish food without me and i got really sad.
then my dad yelled at me and i calmly talked back and he yelled more and my mom said something to my dad and he yelled at her and she yelled at him and i did my laundry, had some rice krispies, and went to bed around 8pm.
now i'm grounded. i don't think the benifits of not going to dr. s's were worth it, because we could have easily gotten me there a few minutes earlier and i wouldn't have had to.. yeah. well, bad idea on my part.
i was sickish today because i don't eat, ever, and now i weight THANK GOD 106 lbs and i'm aiming for like.. 100 soon. i dunno. i want this. a lot.
strangely, i don't think i've ever felt so alone than i do now.
fuck.
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[
3. 7. 06 // @ 10:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 WTFWTFWTF?? |
] |
i lied, this journal isn't dead. kind of.
subject: smells.
post-hspa testing elicited:
math wing- GAS-O-FUCKING-LINE.
science wing- horribly chalky amoxicilin.
cooking/flex/adult school/WHATEVER wing- SKUNKKKKKKSSSSSS.
administrative wing- nothing unpleasant, thank heavens.
postscript- lately i've been feeling like even more shit than usual. :D i don't know why! but i'd really like it to stop! holy shit, i just started crying! YAY!
shoot me. seriously. come on.
..please?
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[
3. 6. 06 // @ 6:05pm] |
| How You Are In Love | 
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to take more than give in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
How Are You In Love?
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| bye. |
[
2. 25. 06 // @ 6:59pm] |
closing this journal once and for all.
i never use this thing anyway.
sorry. having trouble right now. fuck off.
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